I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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