Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't turn off my feet"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
