last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
