there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
