Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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