Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
