so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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