There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
