Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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