yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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