if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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