I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
