What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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