I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
