google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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