I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
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