does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
