I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
