I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize