if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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