as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
