Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
