the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
