He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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