Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize