Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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