Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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