I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
