my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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