Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Congratulations! We have a period
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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