hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
