His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
