even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
