Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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