1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
