Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
