Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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