My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
