Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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