sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
