theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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