dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
