so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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