It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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