She is in my trunk
My hand turned me down
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
