Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
