i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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