Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
