I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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