Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Still dying that you shit outside
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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