I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
