I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
