"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
