i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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