just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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