I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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