its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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