well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
