I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
