Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
